Finally, Someone Is Grading the Grown-Ups.
Printable report cards for husbands, wives, bosses, cats, and everyone else who stopped being supervised in 1994. Instant download. Pay what you want, even nothing.
A Notice From the Office of the Principal
Dear Parent or Guardian,
We are writing to inform you that nobody has evaluated the adults in your life in a very long time.
The last time your husband received a grade, it was for a diorama of the solar system. He got a B. He has been coasting on that B for thirty years. Since then he has not been tested on putting the seat down, finding the ketchup in a fridge where the ketchup is in the door at eye level, or listening when spoken to (current status: only after the third time, and only to the last word).
Your boss has never been graded at all. That is why he says "you know what I mean" and you do not. That is why there is a meeting at 4:55 p.m. on Friday to discuss morale.
Your cat has never been graded because she would not show up. She heard you. She chose not to.
This is the problem. Adults operate without a report card. There is no Permanent Record, no detention, no note home. A child who leaves one bite of cake in the box gets talked to. A grown man who does it gets to keep living in the house.
You have tried other methods. You have sighed. You have sighed louder. You have written "WHO DID THIS" on a sticky note and placed it on the empty toilet paper roll like a crime scene marker. Nothing changed, because a sticky note has no authority. A sticky note was not printed by a school board.
A report card was.
There is a reason a report card made your stomach drop when you were nine. It is the most terrifying document ever handed to a human. Tax audits are scary. Report cards are scary and your mother has to sign them.
So we built them for adults. Official-looking. Ruled lines. Grade boxes. A Teacher Comment section with the emotional temperature of a dentist's waiting room. Columns for A, B, C, D, F, See Me, and Other, because some behaviour does not fit on the alphabet.
Each card comes pre-written with subjects like "Respects the office fridge" and "Holds it until outside." You fill in the grades. You hand it over. You watch them read "Remembers every argument since 2009" and realize they have been observed this whole time.
Nobody is getting held back a year. But somebody is getting a See Me.
Bradsy Elementary
Section 2 · Procedure
How It Works
Choose a student.
Pick from 17 editions (husband, boss, dog, the parking job outside Costco) or grab the blank card and write your own curriculum.
Download instantly.
Print-ready PDF and high-resolution PNG, 8.5 x 11, black and white. Your printer can handle it. Your printer has handled worse.
Grade them.
Check the boxes. Write a comment. Hand it over at dinner, a birthday, or the quarterly performance review nobody asked for.
Section 3 · Class List
The Editions
Every edition comes pre-written and blank. Grade boxes are left empty so you can do the grading.
- Husband: Graded on putting toys away (socks, dishes, feelings). Has been "five minutes away" since September.
- Wife: Keeps receipts (emotional). Excellent memory. Please stop using it against your classmates.
- Mom: Has not finished a hot coffee since 2014. Runs this entire classroom without pay and with one working nerve.
- Dad: A+ in thermostat discipline. Dad jokes graded on a curve, still failing.
- Mother-in-Law: Has a key. Uses it. A strong voice in the classroom and every other room.
- Roommate: Labels own food. Labels yours too. A delight in the hallway. A biohazard in the bathroom.
- Coworker: Says "circle back" with the confidence of a man who has never once returned.
- Boss: A natural leader of meetings about other meetings. This could have been an email.
- Neighbour: Has had your ladder since 2019. Holiday lights visible from space.
- Ex: Enrolled at the School of Hard Knocks, repeating the grade. Shows great potential with someone else.
- Birthday Roast: Aging gracefully: Not Observed. Back pain while sitting: Above Grade Level.
- Gym Bro: Mirror time, gold medal. Leg day, doctor's note. Very strong. Unclear at what.
- Group Chat: Sent a 9-minute voice note. Very active participant. Nothing has ever been accomplished.
- Uber Driver: Knew a shortcut. It was not short. Delivered me alive. Grade adjusted accordingly.
- Parking: Took two spots and some of a third. Parked like the car was dropped from a helicopter.
- Dog: Good Boy Academy. Comes when called, but only if cheese is involved. Loyalty: A+.
- Cat: Purrfect Prep, Senior Management. Brilliant student. Treats the teacher like staff.
Plus the generic Report Card. Fully blank. For the person in your life who defies categories (your brother-in-law, the guy who microwaves fish, the HOA).
Section 4 · Contents
Every Card Includes
- Subjects: 5 to 7 grown-up behaviours, graded like math.
- Teacher Comment: one sentence of devastating professionalism.
- Permanent Record: "PERMANENT RECORD. She already read it." (Mother-in-Law edition.)
- Detention Slip: "Detention for: Scheduling a 4:55 p.m. Friday meeting to discuss morale."
- Gold Stars: For rare achievements like "Used a Coaster" and "Wore a Whole Shirt."
- Signature Line: "Please have your mother sign this. She already knows."
Section 5 · Approved Uses
Use Cases
Costs less than a greeting card and stays on the fridge longer than any greeting card in recorded history. Fold it into a manila envelope marked CONFIDENTIAL for the full effect.
Read the Teacher Comment out loud at the party. Let the room do the rest. Nothing roasts a man like a sentence that starts with "Shows real promise."
The Birthday Roast edition grades them on remembering why they walked into the room. Another year older and no closer to a gold star. Happy birthday anyway.
Year one is paper. This is paper. Give your spouse a formal evaluation of their performance in the relationship. Include at least one gold star so you are still married on year two.
Secret Santa, retirement parties, the farewell card for the guy who never once turned his camera on. The Boss edition is best delivered anonymously, through interoffice mail, the way God intended.
Also approved for: Mother's Day, Father's Day, housewarming, the end of a lease, and the day your cat finally uses the box and not the laundry.
Pay What You Want
Here is the tuition policy.
These cards are pay what you want. That includes zero dollars. Type 0, download them all, and go grade your roommate. No hard feelings. No detention.
If they make you laugh, or they make your husband put the seat down for one (1) week, feel free to leave a tip. A dollar. Five dollars. The price of the coffee your mom never finishes. Tips keep the Bradsy Elementary lights on and fund the next semester of editions.
Free is fine. Tipping is cool. Either way, you get the same report cards and nobody gets a note sent home.
Section 6 · Conference Notes
Parent-Teacher Conference Notes
(These testimonials are jokes. These people are not real. Neither is Bradsy Elementary.)
"I gave my husband the report card on Sunday. By Tuesday he had re-loaded the dishwasher and asked me what 'See Me' meant. I said, 'You know what it means.' He did."
"My boss found the Boss edition on the printer. He held a 45-minute meeting about it. We all got an F in meeting length, including him."
"I printed the Cat edition and left it on the counter. She knocked it off while maintaining eye contact. I consider this a signed copy."
"My dad got an A+ in thermostat discipline and framed it. It is now the only thing on the wall at 68 degrees."
"Gave my mother-in-law the Mother-in-Law edition. She graded it, corrected the spelling, and returned it to me with a self-help book."
Section 7 · Questions
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this a real school report card?
No. It only looks like one. It was designed to resemble an official school-board document, which is what makes it so upsetting to receive.
What do I get?
17 themed editions, each pre-written and blank, plus a generic blank card. Every file comes as a print-ready PDF and a high-resolution PNG (8.5 x 11, 300 dpi).
Are the grades already filled in?
No. The subjects and comments are written for you. The grade boxes are empty, because you are the teacher now. Use that power responsibly. Or don't.
Can I really pay nothing?
Yes. Enter 0 at checkout. If you want to tip, you can. The cards are the same either way.
Can I print it at home?
Yes. Black and white, standard letter paper. For extra authority, print it slightly crooked, like the school photocopier did.
Is it appropriate for kids?
It is PG-13. Some editions are spicier than others and are written for grown-up audiences. It is a report card for adults. Kids already get real ones.
Can I make my own?
Yes. Every edition comes in a blank version, plus the generic Report Card. Write your own subjects. Grade your brother on "Returns calls."
Who made this?
Brad Gosse, the bestselling author of adult parody kids' books. He has been graded his whole life and decided it was everyone else's turn.
The semester is over. The grades are due. Somebody in your house has been coasting since the diorama.